Warning: Written while under the influence (of exhaustion, a fever, and love songs)

This blog is an uncharacteristic one for me.  Actually, it's downright uncomfortable for me to post it.  Yet, here I am, for reasons I am completely unaware of except just a weird, sudden impulse, writing awkwardly about the mushy, weird, confusing, "you're the best thing that ever happened to me" kind of love.

(Don't worry, there are no current prospects--Haitian or otherwise--that I've been hiding from you.)

I just don't talk about this stuff a lot, especially on social media, so bear with me.

So tonight, I'm sick and exhausted and couldn't bring myself to do anything besides listen to my iPod. Until, I was listening to a song about love and it made me start thinking, and now an hour later I'm still awake, just starting to write this post reflecting those thoughts.

If you know me very well, you probably know that most of the time, I'm perfectly content with being single.  In fact, I feel like I'd be okay if I never got married.  Well, I know I would, because if it's not God's will for me, He will have something even more rewarding and fulfilling.  Yet, on nights like tonight, I find myself clinging to the faint hope that one day God will bring that guy my way.  

I've never been very big on dating.  I haven't had many long or serious relationships.  And especially now, I'm to the point in my life where I really don't want to date anymore.  If you're anything like me, you've heard people say that before and thought, "How can you know who you want to marry if you don't date?"  I feel like I understand a little better now.

I had a guy say these words to me in the past, "I want the next girl I date to be the one I marry." I was okay with that and didn't question it because he made me believe that I could be that girl.  That was not the case.

Since then, and even before then (I won't give him more credit than he deserves), I have been somewhat of a skeptic about all things regarding romantic relationships.  I hate that, because not only does it affect my view of men and of my own future, but it even affects how I view others' relationships, even those of my family and friends.

It's an issue and area of my life that God is still working on and I still wait and pray for complete freedom from the bitterness and doubt that are the products of past experiences.   

I know that the Father gives good and perfect gifts to his children, and I am able to trust and believe that promise in almost every area of my life except the area of relationships. Whether or not He sees fit in the future to send a good gift to me in the form of a husband, I have no idea.

However, I feel assured that if that man comes my way eventually, I will know it is him because of the way that he loves me with the pure, unconditional kind of love that only comes from God.  And I believe that God will use that love to change my skeptical heart into a believing one.

Every Captive Free

It's funny (not the laughing kind of funny, though) that I always get the most inspiration to blog at night when I am so tired I don't think I can stay awake for another five minutes. Wednesday night was one of those nights.  I tried to save what I could of my inspiration to a hidden reserve in my brain set aside specifically for blog posts before I lapsed into unconsciousness.  This is the result:

It had been a fairly normal Wednesday.

School with the kids.

Loving on babies and kids downstairs in the ICU.

Helping make homemade pizza for our weekly meetings where we have a meal and a devotion time.

Devouring said pizza and enjoying every bite.

Listening and being encouraged as Allison read from Ephesians and reminded us of the importance of putting on the armor of God.

NEOPOLITAN ICE CREAM. Yes.

Coming back and squishing packets of medika mamba. **Fun fact for the day: Medika mamba is nutrient-rich peanut butter that many of the malnourished kids here eat to help them start gaining weight. They eat a certain amount daily, depending on their weight, and the packets of peanut butter have to be squished so it is softer. Then, it is measured out and put into separate containers for the next day. There are thirty-something kids here on medika mamba right now.**

Going downstairs again to visit the kids for a few minutes before bed, in hopes of going to sleep earlier and getting some much-needed rest.

Those hopes were dashed when I sat down and put a little boy named Stanley in my lap.  This little boy came to Real Hope for Haiti not too long ago, maybe a week or two.  He was one of the skinniest and sickest-looking kids I've seen. He looked like he didn't stand a chance, to put it bluntly. (This link has a picture of him when he first came in, along with all the other kids admitted recently. He is the last one on the list.)  New admits this past week at RHFH 

Everything was just fine until I tried to lay Stanley down on the cot and go back upstairs. He started crying as soon as I set his head down (as kids often do).  Instead of picking him back up or just leaving him to cry, I leaned over beside him and started singing in his ear. I have a few go-to songs that I sing to the kids most often. They're not lullabies. They're not cutesy kids songs. They're not in Creole. They are just worship songs that I love and that give me hope while hopefully comforting the kids as well.  One of those songs is "Every Captive Free" by Matt Gilman. By the time I got to this song, I had already sung two others, Stanley was whimpering barely and looking sleepy, and I was just thinking "I can probably get away with sneaking upstairs in a few minutes."  Until I started paying attention to what I was singing. 

For the Spirit of the Lord God is upon Me

Because He has anointed Me to preach good news

To take away all of your sorrow and your mourning

To give the oil of joy and a garment of praise

For I have seen you in your captivity

And I will open up every prison door

So arise and shine for your light has come

And My glory is rising upon you

And I am dancing over you

And I am singing over you songs of deliverance

And I will set every captive free

And you will be with Me

And I have carried the weight of all your iniquity

I've carried the burden of all your shame 

And I've called you by name, I've called you by name

And you are Mine

Somewhere in the middle of the song, I started no longer singing a song out of habit, but looking at Stanley and singing those words with full assurance that what I was saying was true. It broke me.

By the time Stanley's tears had dried, my own were flowing steadily. I had to stop singing because I was so overwhelmed with God's presence that I could not stop crying. I sat there, looking down at Stanley, him looking up at me, and more than ever before, I felt the weight of God's promise to set every captive free.

All over the world, there are captives.  Right now, there are 27 million people on the earth who are victims of slavery and human trafficking.  The number of slaves on earth is even greater if you consider those held by chains not seen with the eye.

Hunger

Sin

Sickness

Poverty

Pain

Depression

Anger

Fear

Where does the list end? I haven't figured it out. But I do know that there will come a day when all captivity will end, once and for all, for those who love God and believe in His son whom He sent. I can't fathom it with my limited human mind, but I believe it with all my heart.

Isaiah 61:1

"The Spirit of the Lord God is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; he has sent me to bind up the broken-hearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound..."

As I sang those words over the fragile little boy in front of me, I felt a longing for the reality when those words will completely and forever be fulfilled.

"I will set every captive free, and you will be with Me."

That is God's promise.  I am resting on that promise, and that is my hope. 

Stanley