A year ago around this time...
I was sitting at home as I watched all of my friends return to school at Williams, or start new chapters in their lives on their own, or continue in other pursuits.
I sat, and I wondered, "What am I doing?"
During the spring semester, I decided I would not be returning to Williams the next fall. God had made it clear (as clear as I needed him to) that he had something else in mind for me. After visiting Haiti for a week in 2011, my heart couldn't let go. What I experienced that week had changed me and shown me a new world and I could not go back to business as usual. I felt led to be ministering overseas, or to go through some training to prepare for it, or to have a season of preparation at home to wait on God and seek what His plan really was for me. That was in the spring. And then it was summer. I returned to Haiti for another amazing 5 weeks, but I knew it was temporary, and I came back home. And then it got to be late August. Then all my friends were going back to school. Then everyone seemed to have a plan except me.
I felt led to be doing mission work. But I had no offers. I had no prospects. I hadn't the slightest idea what would happen, but I still knew that God had spoken. And I knew that I wasn't supposed to be in school. It didn't make sense. It wasn't logical. I was losing my scholarship. I was taking a gamble. But it was right. And I knew it.
And I trusted. Not perfectly. I doubted too. I questioned myself. I wondered what in the world would make me qualified to do this. But the best of me truly believed that God was for me, that he was leading me, and that he would come through and reward my faith (however weak it was).
One week, I was clueless.
The next, I got this email.
And just like that, I had a volunteer position at a ministry in Haiti and would be leaving in a little over two weeks.
That is how fast God can work.
Except, you know, He was working all along. Before the thought ever crossed my mind. Before any of the circumstances that caused me to question the direction of my life ever came into being. Before I ever visited Haiti. Before I ever decided, "Why not take a break from school and make myself available to do this now?"
There was a traceable chain of events, and dreams, and conversations, and prayers that led me to the place of surrender. Before any of those, God was preparing me. He knew. I just couldn't see it yet.
And here's the thing: The answer that came...it looked nothing like what I expected it to. It wasn't always glorious. It was never easy. There were times I wondered if God had really led me to that place, and if so, why?
I still don't have the answer to all of those questions. I still can't see what his purpose was in the things that have happened in the past year.
Even when revelation comes, it comes in part.
And the truth is, my now is the same as it was a year ago. There are many more things in my life that I don't understand than things I do. Once again, I am in a place of confusion. I see His hand in different events, redirecting me and rescuing me and restoring me, yet I still can't see the end result. But I'm not shaken. My God is faithful. He works all things together for good, and he reveals the good in HIS time.
It's a beautiful thing to walk in the knowledge that you aren't in control. It's a beautiful thing to admit that you don't know the plan. It's a beautiful thing to wait, and to trust, and to know the one who holds your future.
Don't spend all your time waiting on the "answer." Chances are, it won't be what you expect it to be anyway. The journey is beautiful. Walking with the Lord in faith is beautiful, and the daily trusting and simply being with him is what it's really about.
One week, I was clueless.
The next, I got this email.
And just like that, I had a volunteer position at a ministry in Haiti and would be leaving in a little over two weeks.
That is how fast God can work.
Except, you know, He was working all along. Before the thought ever crossed my mind. Before any of the circumstances that caused me to question the direction of my life ever came into being. Before I ever visited Haiti. Before I ever decided, "Why not take a break from school and make myself available to do this now?"
There was a traceable chain of events, and dreams, and conversations, and prayers that led me to the place of surrender. Before any of those, God was preparing me. He knew. I just couldn't see it yet.
And here's the thing: The answer that came...it looked nothing like what I expected it to. It wasn't always glorious. It was never easy. There were times I wondered if God had really led me to that place, and if so, why?
I still don't have the answer to all of those questions. I still can't see what his purpose was in the things that have happened in the past year.
Even when revelation comes, it comes in part.
And the truth is, my now is the same as it was a year ago. There are many more things in my life that I don't understand than things I do. Once again, I am in a place of confusion. I see His hand in different events, redirecting me and rescuing me and restoring me, yet I still can't see the end result. But I'm not shaken. My God is faithful. He works all things together for good, and he reveals the good in HIS time.
It's a beautiful thing to walk in the knowledge that you aren't in control. It's a beautiful thing to admit that you don't know the plan. It's a beautiful thing to wait, and to trust, and to know the one who holds your future.
Don't spend all your time waiting on the "answer." Chances are, it won't be what you expect it to be anyway. The journey is beautiful. Walking with the Lord in faith is beautiful, and the daily trusting and simply being with him is what it's really about.
"Though you have not seen him, you love him. Though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory." 1 Peter 1:8
